Scenario Eight: Kid Kicks Some Arse
"C'mon, ya buggery bastards! We've gotta get the Frozen Flame and kick Lynx's sorry arse before the clock strikes midnight!"
"Kid, haven't we tried this a million times, now?"
"Nah, Sergey! Just look at the title, this here's just the eighth scenario! Crikey!" Kid was running frantically through the dark forest towards the all-too-familiar Viper Manor. For a moment I considered taking a nap and letting Kid get through with the inevitable failure, but she managed to get a good grip on my arm. From the corner of my eye I could see Magil's fire spell blast away the guard cats. We finally stopped for breath at the edge of the terrace.
"Kid, why do we keep doing this?"
"Because, Serge," Kid grinned maniacally, "I hate that bastard Lynx more than I hate New Zealanders, and I hate New Zealanders."
Perplexed, I asked to the dark figure behind me, "Why New Zealanders?"
"Sheep fuckers, Serge," Magil replied, a hint of annoyance biting at the edges of his dark and monotonous voice.
As we walked down the grimy corridors, I could not help but feel as if we were trapped in a tale written by someone with a very weak grasp on story-telling. As if a person was out there, somewhere, constantly writing and rewriting something that could not possibly be considered readable. The same task, repeated constantly, given up several times, and now finally picked up again for no clear reason. At least, I felt this until the piranhas started to nibble my nether regions.
"We're this far already?" I gasped, pulling myself out of the water, surprisingly unharmed.
"Perhaps the director wanted to get the meaningless plot out of the way for some more action," Magil mused, ringing the water out of his cape. "Or rather, games are always easier after the first playthrough. Unfortunately, it would appear that Kid has forgotten the next step."
I glanced at Kid, who was pacing back and forth, furiously muttering to herself. "Venus statue? Nah, Serge'll probably ask if I'm an outlandish bitch or somethin'... Riddel's room? Nope, been there already, that sheila freaks me the hell out." She stared at her boots, strewn with tiny bite marks. "Crikey, what're we gonna do next?"
Reminiscing on our previous attempts at the Frozen Flame, I searched desperately for a pleasant memory. "Hey, how about that Esmeld guy? The thinking man's orc?"
"I did enjoy tea time," Magil said, "but I believe he is on the other side of the atrium."
"Damn fishy room," Kid growled, glaring at her wet boots as they squished with her steps. "Preventin' us from our destiny, the Frozen Flame, and kicking Lynx's arse! Well, the hell with you, stinky! We'll blaze our own path!"
"You tell that fishy room, Kid," I chuckled, taking a seat beside Magil. Unbeknownst to me, Kid was already formulating a crazy scheme to get us past the ferocious obstacle. She glanced back and forth from the atrium to empty space, deep in thought. "C'mon, Kid," I began, agitated, "why can't you just give up that thing? Is treasure really that important?"
"It's not just the treasure, mate..." Kid whispered. "I've gotta kick Lynx's arse, Serge. It's been my lifelong dream. Ever since my days growin' up in the ghetto, I've aspired to be the one to kick Lynx's arse. I need it, Serge..." she looked at me with her burning blue eyes, piercing into the very fiber of my existence with intensity unseen by any living man. "I must kick his arse." I stared at her for a moment, afraid my brain would melt if I dare break away from those magnificent sapphire laser beams residing in her ocular cavities. Without comprehending the ridiculousness of that last sentence, or her apparent ass-kicking fetish, I nodded slowly, a silent agreement to follow her whims. She smiled, pulling a large blueprint from her bosom.
"Where the hell did that come from, Kid?" I asked, out of my eyeball-induced trance.
"This is my master plan," Kid grinned. "Get off yer ass and listen up! First, we're gonna..."
Before Kid could entrust us with all the details of her master plan, however, a loud rumbling rose from the atrium. We glanced back into the foul waters, now frothing with unknown activity. We held our breath, waiting for what happened next...
"CORN BREAK!" a loud, gruff voice erupted from the depths. Almost immediately afterward, the pool seemed to rise up in a singular mass, the voices of the piranhas becoming a grumbling hum of humorous chomping noises. We stood against the wall, allowing the torrent by, and after a few seconds it had passed us.
Kid and I stared at each other in disbelief, but Magil smacked himself in the forehead with a groan. "Of course, corn break!" We were too afraid to ask, but Magil could see our amazement. "You know, corn break? The partaking of corn during the resting period of one's work?" Meeting no recognition, Magil turned away, muttering "Cretins..."
Kid's mouth still ajar, I decided to bring attention to the fact that our pathway was now clear. Once she heard this, Kid was back to her old self. "One step closer!" she yelled cheerfully. "We're comin' to get ya, Lynx!"
The feeling had come to me again, though. This feeling that our latest journey into Lynx's domain was but a story by a person with deplorable plot developing skills was quite unsettling. That or the person is horribly antsy to get the tale over with, so it would be allowed to embrace the sweet realm of the dreaming. My pity to those who must read this tale once it has ended, though.
"Take that, fourth wall!"
"Didja say somethin', Serge?"
Esmeld had stared at us over his spectacles, taking in sips of his fine herbal tea. "It's nice to see you three, again. It gets rather lonesome sometimes. I trust you have new stories to tell me?"
"Afraid not," I sighed. "Same old, y'know. Trying to get the Frozen Flame, some 'arse-kicking' here and there..."
"Hey!" Kid snarled, "Yer talking about my destiny, here! This isn't just some average every-day arse-kicking, this is some deep shit, ya bugger!"
Clearing his throat, Esmeld said, "If you are going to fight Lynx, shouldn't you be upstairs? You have been here enough to know how to get to him."
Kid struggled with her words, "Well, err... These guys wanted to come have their little tea party, and I figured... Well..." she scratched her head. "I'm kinda making it up as I go along, really. Going where the wind takes me, y'know?"
"Believing in destiny, then," Esmeld smiled. "I've heard that Lynx has been getting tired of your intrusions, lately..."
"Intrusions!" Kid laughed. "We whooped 'im good! Right, boys?"
Magil and I glanced at each other for a moment. "Err, right boss..." I mumbled, grinning slightly.
Kid seemed to hear me, though. "We're just on our way to go get 'im again, and were just... stopping for a cookie and some tea!" She grabbed a handful of crumpets and chugged her full cup of tea, scalding her throat. Grabbing us by our collars as we waved goodbye to Esmeld, she dragged us out of the room and through the halls.
"Why didn't you two tell me that Lynx was up here the whole time?" Kid fumed as we stepped out of the ballroom.
"Had to flesh the plot out, somehow..." I said, glancing around the cavern we were now in. "Hey, I think I see him up there. Maybe we can sneak-"
"Lynx, ya bastard!" Kid bellowed. "I'm gonna kick yer arse 'til ya don't know what's been done to it! Then I'm gonna kick it some more, 'til you have no recollection of what an arse was! Then I'm gonna..."
Lynx turned to face us. "Why, hello, little thieves. After my Frozen Flame again, I see?"
"Damn straight!" Kid grinned, making a dash towards Lynx. "I'm gonna kick yer arse and steal yer shiny!"
As Kid fought recklessly with Lynx, I tried to ask Magil what our strategy would be. Lynx is a very unpredictable opponent, as we've learned from our past experiences, and Magil is usually in the know for this sort of thing. "What should we do, Magil?"
"Now how the hell would I know, Serge?" Magil asked angrily. "What am I, your little information spout?'Hey Magil, what's Skeletor's weakness?', 'Hey Magil, does this look infected?', 'Hey Magil, wipe this for me!' Well, I'm sick of it! You can get another bitch-boy, ass, 'cause I am tired of your shit." In a puff of huffy smoke, Magil was gone from our lives... forever.
Things were certainly not looking up for us. Kid was having her ass handed to her by the bastard Lynx, Magil had left the band, and the writer had to get to bed at a decent hour. It was a time to be drastic, something had to be done. Reaching deep into my bag of wonders, I retrieved a trinket of inconceivable value. An item that had saved us many times before and now it would once more. I brought out an object that's powers reach far across time and space, into every corner of existence and non-existence.
I brought out the bunny.
Remembering the gestures and lines of this sacred ritual, I summoned all of my strength and courage, delicately pouring my heart and soul into each movement, and reciting with precision that mythical spell.
Lynx stopped dead in his tracks, "You wouldn't," he gasped.
Magil appeared in a flash, glaring at the Martian Forest League Concealed Lesser Armament Bunny, a smile curling across his face.
In a brilliant burst of energy, Magil transformed into his rock and roll alter-ego, Mick van Jovi. Guitar screeching, he dived towards Lynx, slashing and rocking out like none other. Lynx tried to dodge, but was brutally man-handled by the Martian space-cop. It was quite metal, indeed. Just as Magil was prepared to deliver the finishing blow, a voice shouted over the battle.
"Wait!" Kid gasped, injured from her own fight. "I... I must kick his arse... please..."
"Mick," I pleaded, "Let's let her kick his ass... just one good punt."
Mick glanced up from his enemy into Kid's freaky laser eyes. "Well... okay, yeah," He helped lift her up from the ground, and together we brought her to Lynx. "Kick his ass good, Kid..."
Weakly, Kid managed to nudge Lynx's posterior with her toe, but it was enough for her. She smiled, slipping out of our grips. A slight radiance started to gather around her, until she shone a bright white. "Serge, Magil..." she said, "you have set Schala free... By allowing me to kick Lynx's arse, you have brought rest to Schala's troubled spirit. Finally, she can go to the next world in peace..." As soon as it had come, the glowing light had faded, and Kid was back to normal. She looked down at Lynx's ashes, which came about from the horrible burning of her Schala exorcism. "Yeah, kicked yer arse good..."
I smiled at Kid, "We all kicked his ass good."
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