Fight the Fanfic Chapter 1

First Blood

By Captain Gaul

“So, dude, like, where do we start?”

“We need a really cool intro scene…something interesting enough to make them read the rest.”

“Our first scene needs to be the coolest?! How are we gonna pull that off?”

A devilishly idiotic grin crossed Devon’s face. “Simple. We rip it off.” Devon pulled up the IcyBrian main site, and started searching for a good prologue to rip off. “The prologue don’t even have to do anything with the story—it’s just supposed to be cool. Here, let’s rip off ‘A Shadow of Evil’‘s prologue.”

“Dude, won’t the author be pissed?”

“So? What’s he gonna do?”

* * *

On the computer screen in Gaul’s office, the words being typed in by Frank and Devon were coming up. Spelling errors were highlighted in flashing red, grammar errors in flashing green, and obviously stolen material was triple underlined with a reference screen telling the material’s origin. Very little of anything the two were typing wasn’t at least one of these three things.

“Gaul, I wouldn’t worry. These two are not only obvious amateurs, they’re very poor amateurs at that. Look how many times they screwed up their own names!”

“Don’t be so confident, Moe…the worst writers are typically the most dangerous. Now, let’s see…are they going to be using all of the true characters, are they going to be adding a couple, or *shudder* are they going to insert themselves?”

Suddenly, a huge block of text appeared on-screen. “That wasn’t typed…it was copy-pasted…computer, who’d they rip off? Identify source!” The relevant information flashed on the left display screen. “Icy? Damn…if I don’t kill them, someone else will. How am I gonna handle these guys...?”

“Captain!” Chi shouted from her station. “I’ve tapped the built-in mike on these guys’ computer. We can listen in on their conversation.”

“Great! What are they planning?”

“Sounds like…a self-insert fic! We have a self-insert fic!”

“Yes! This makes it so much easier!”

“How’s that, Gaul?”

“Now all we have to do is find them and kill them.”

“Is that…really necessary?”

“Do you wanted the personages of two poor writers on the loose in OUR world, trying to have an adventure?”

“I guess not.”

Gaul opened his desk drawer, snatched up a couple of earpieces and a microphone, tossing the microphone to Chi. “Chi, keep us informed. Moe, grab a couple of battlewrenchs and come with me. We’ve got to set up a little surprise for these guys.” Gaul thought for a second, typed in a couple of commands on the computer, and added “They oughta land in Leene Square. Let me know if sounds like they’ve got around the block.” Chi nodded, and Gaul and Moe left.

* * *

“So dude, what’re we gonna have with us?”

“How about some pulse cannons, and an X-buster?”

“You got that from Megaman!”

“And you got the prologue from Icy. Am I complaining?”

“Alright. Pulse cannons, X-busters, and combat armor it is. Dude, this is gonna be sweet!”

“Dude, where we gonna come in the story?”

“Leene Square, duh!”

* * *

Chi smiled at her workstation, and relayed the conversation to Captain Gaul.

Meanwhile, Captain Gaul was spreading the word locally. “Crono, I’m gonna need your help in a little bit. Be ready to go crazy with that sword of yours.” “Lucca, if you start to feel pressured to do something that seems stupid, or if there’s anyone you don’t recognize trying to make you do something, go on a shooting spree. Start with killing people you don’t recognize or aren’t on this list; then stun any people you do know who are acting strange.” “Princess Nadia, if anyone strange comes to the castle, have the guards take him or her out back and kill them.” “Your majesty, if things get too serious, you may have to deploy the armies. Keep them on alert.” Starting with the 1000 AD personages first, he expected that he’d have time to reach the other periods later, and that he’d probably be able to stop the authors anyway.

Soon, a red gate opened, and the authors appeared dressed in their Megaman gear in the middle of Leene Square. Moe and Gaul were waiting nearby, ready to ambush. Frank fired off a large shot from his pulse blaster, and vaporized the Tent of Horrors. “Sweet!”

“Steady…four…three…two…one—” Gaul and Moe jumped out from their hiding spots—“Freeze, you’re under arrest!”

* * *

“Captain Gaul?! Dude, you can’t rip off a whole character!”

“I didn’t even mean to write him in! Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it…dude! The backspace key don’t work!”

“Highlight it and hit cut!”

“It won’t work! Crap!”

“Oh well…just try to write him out of the story…maybe his author won’t mind so much if it’s just a quick scene.”

“’Kay. I’ll have my dude kill him.”

* * *

“Captain! Captain! They’re going to kill you!” Chi screamed into the microphone.

“Don’t worry. It’s already too late for them.” Gaul’s line, however, was heard by the two strangers as well. One of them raised his X-buster.

“Dude, what’re you talking about?”

“Now!” Moe hurled a battlewrench straight at Devon. The high-velocity tool tore the author’s head off, and the decapitated form fell to its knees, and then all the way forward to the ground. His friend screamed, and Gaul took advantage of his hesitation by knocking him over the head, forcing him to the ground, and plunging a dagger deep into his back.

“Great! That was easy!”

“It’s never that easy, Moe. They’ll try again, and we have to be ready for them. C’mon, let’s get these bodies out of there. If they decide to present me as the main villain here, I’m gonna need a dungeon—these two will be the perfect start.”

* * *

“Dude?! What’re you doing?”

“How the hell?!”

“You killed us! Third paragraph of the first real chapter, and we’re both dead!”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“Dude, you wrote it! How could you not mean to?!”

“That wasn’t what I meant to write…the words came out different.”


“You know what? The Captain Gaul’s a dead man. We’re gonna write ourselves back into the story, as really awesome sorcerers, and we’re gonna kick Gaul’s butt, and then we’re gonna waste Lavos—and we’re gonna get all the original characters on our side.”

“Dude! Most excellent!”

* * *

“Chi, report!”

“Captain, they’re trying again—this time, as magic users. They’re going to try to get the original team on their side, and then they’re going to try to kill you.”

“Hmm…doesn’t present too much of a problem. They’ll start with the trio from this time period…I’ve already arranged for them to fight back if those two come along. Still, we don’t know how far they’ll get. Chi, keep watch; Moe, get your construction equipment ready; we’ve got some remodeling to do….”

Meanwhile, Frank and Devon, now mighty sorcerers, showed up in Leene Square again. While the blood from their last attempt still stained the ground, the disappearance of their bodies disturbed them…on the way to Truce Village, Devon killed at least eighty villagers, ‘in self defense’.

“Dude, you can’t just keep wasting villagers like that….”

“No one cares what the hero does, as long as he does something cool later to make up for it. C’mon, let’s go to Crono’s place.”

When they reached Crono’s house, they knocked on the door and ran around to the side, snickering. When Crono’s mother shouted “Come in!” they opened the door and walked in.

* * *

The last paragraph was highlighted in flashing green on the main display, with the words SEQUENCE FAILURE—CONTINUITY LOST! blinking urgently nearby.

“Damn….” Gaul cursed.

* * *

Crono walked down the stairs. “Who is it, Mom….” He trailed off as he saw the two strangely garbed young men. “Who are you guys?”

“We’re Frank…and Devon. You wanna go on a quest?”

Crono felt strangely compelled to join them, but fought the feeling off with force of will. Instead he turned to his mother and said: “Hey Mom…it’s Frank…and Devon….” He winked. His mother, having been told about Gaul’s warning earlier, nodded knowingly and said:

“Oh, okay. You wanna show your friend Frank your knife collection while I serve Devon some of my special cookies?”

As the two were about to separate, Frank nudged Devon and said: “Dude, you made us be friends? I didn’t think you were gonna write it like that.”

“Man, I’m getting cookies, I don’t care.”

Upstairs, Frank was getting rather nervous of all the deadly weapons on display. He was about to slip downstairs when Crono shouted: “Hey! You want to see me juggle these?”

This caught Frank’s attention. “You can juggle? Cool!”

Crono began the show. “I’m not too good yet, though…I can only juggle two.” Frank applauded. “And now, the grand finale!” Crono caught the handles of the knives in his hands, turned them around with a flourish, and with a final “Yah!” hurled them at Frank.

Frank’s final thoughts were ones of shock as he blacked out, staring in amazement and confusion at the two knives embedded in his chest.

Meanwhile, downstairs… “These cookies are really good, Mrs.…um, Crono’s mom. What’s in ‘em?”

“Nightshade berries, cyanide, arsenic; do you like them? Oh, dear, I guess you don’t.” Devon had slumped forward to the table. “Crono! Crono! Are you done with your friend?” Frank’s body rolled down the stairs. “Good. Call Captain Gaul and let him know that he can pick up the carcasses; and take them outside until he gets here. They attract flies and I’m trying to get the cleaning done.”


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