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DK
Griffon
Posts: 114
(9/19/01 6:21:06 pm) |
Transformers, it Makes
Me Want to Cry.
I come to you as a shattered and broken man, having been witness to the most
horrific butchery of a childhood joy that I think I've ever seen.
Yes, today I watched Fox Kids(!) and caught the new show, "Transformers:
Robots in Disguise."
I'll be perfectly blunt. I'm not going to be objective here. I don't think
I'm even going to try. What I watched not thirty minutes ago has to be one
of the stupidest things I've ever seen, and there's just no simpler way to
say it. And now, to purge myself of the utter shame and to rid myself of
the sickening feeling in my gut, I will now treat you all to a senseless,
pointless, and probably just annoying critique of the show.
THE ANIMATION
The show has a Japanimation touch, with lots of big-eyed people, sweatdrops,
dramatic, exaggerated takes, etc. This would be perfectly okay, I guess,
if this was a show produced in Japan, or handled by anyone that had any knowledge
of how to produce anime. Instead, I'm firmly convinced that I can almost
recount word for word what happened during the brainstorming session for
the creation of this show:
(Lame Ass A) We're going to recreate the Transformers? We need something
fresh, something new!
(Lame Ass B) What about all that big-eyed Pokemon shit the kids love these
days? It'll be a rage! Let's do it!
(Lame Ass A) I'll call the Korean sweatshop animators. SCORE!
We've all seen how well Anime handles big robots. Gundam, Macross, Evangelion
- all of them have robotic stuff blowing up things/being blown up on an awesomely
cool scale. Sadly, that isn't the case here. Instead we have robots sweatdropping
and ACTUALLY DABBING AT THEMSELVES WITH HANDKERCHIEFS (yes, of course I'll
explain later). This actually looks quite a lot like Digimon (with a Tai
clone included), only with horrendously designed robots thrown in.
Does anyone remember the original Transformer character designs? They were
awesome. Nice, straight robotic lines, streamlined chassis, a sort of overall
simplistic, no frills, "industrial" look that really worked well.
Someone messed up.
Most of the Autobots now look like they were designed by a group of technicians
with a gay bodybuilder fetish. Their bodies are a mismash of bloated, pointless
metal musculature, their stomachs covered in six-packs made of metal piping
and their joints studded with bloated, apparently useless penile projections
(at least, I hope they're useless). I half-expected Optimus Prime to have
metal, laser shooting nipples. Fortunately, I guess they forgot to animate
them, but the pair of dildos he now has strapped to either side of his head
are just as bad. Even those robots that don't have overly lame designs still
seem too big and awkward, too eXtreeM. Not to mention the horrible color
schemes some of them have (Purple, orange, and white? Good GRAVY).
If it's possible, their enemies, the "Predacons", look even worse. In robot
mode, they continue with the gay tech fetish motif of the autobots, only
the technicians working on them were apparently furries. Yes, if you always
wanted a hot, magenta robot frog or a teal robot shark as a bitch of your
very own, your wish is now granted. Fortunately, their terribly designed
and horrifically colored robot forms have a saving grace. In the episode
I saw today, the mighty Predacons showed their l337 skills by transforming
into: a gay shark, a gay frog, and a really, really gay dragon. Megatron
has fared the worst - his once awesome streamlined gun design changed into
something that resembles a cross between a bat, a penis, and the lamest,
gayest Maverick the MegaMan X team could ever imagine. He's also gotten much
stupider, but I'll cover that in the next section -
THE STORY
The story today opened up with an Autobot named Skids. Yes, I took his name
out of context, and I'm sure you have as well. Anyway, Skids can't seem to
keep himself from running in every race he sees. No matter what, whenever
he sees a race, he has to be in it and win, because he's the fastest autobot
or whatever.
Anyway, he gets chased by the gay looking shark predacon and escapes, and
the Autobots watch all this on their super secret monitor system at home
base. As they begin to ponder what could be wrong with Skids, a leap of logic
that could only occur on Superfriends suddenly appears. Here's an abridged
transcript. Keep in mind, all these lines are said with utter DEAD
SERIOUSNESS.
(Optimus Prime): Skids seems to be acting strangely.
(SomeOtherRandomAutobot): He just got here from Cybertron. I'm sure he's
just joyriding.
(Tai look-alike - and no, I don't know who the fuck this kid is, what he
was doing in the autobot base, or WHAT he's been smoking.): Wait... Skids
used a racecar of the famous dead racer *japanesename* as his design for
his car form. I bet when he scanned the car, the spirit of *japanesename*
invaded him. He's being... HAUNTED!
(Little Big-Eyed Girl in Freaky Hat): Wow, you're smart, Akari!
(Optimus Prime): Yes. We sense some psychic energy in Skids. He's possessed.
We have to find him.
And who says robots aren't superstitious? Anyway, all this babble is undercut
by footage of Skids running in all these various races, knocking over go-carts
and tripping runners and such, and sweatdropping dramatically every time.
Yes, let's forget about that whole "dignity" thing. Go wacky robot comedy.
There's a big race (that's actually called 'great race' from the flyer Taiboy
is lugging around), and the autobots all know Skids will be there, so they
all enter to find him. The gay shark predacon from earlier joins as well,
disguised as a car. By "disguised", I mean he laid down on a platform with
wheels. The most surreal moment of the show happens when an autobot in car
mode drives up to him and starts up a conversation. For some unfathomable
reason, he starts hitting on the shark. I don't know why. I don't even remember
everything they said, I was so shocked by the surreality of it. In the end,
I think the shark said he "Wasn't that type," the autobot pulled off in a
huff, and the shark dabbed himself with a hanky. The race went on.
Really, at this point, there's nothing to say to top the above scene, so
I'll just say that random Predacons appeared throughtout the race, got shot
at, and ran away. Megatron also showed up, and then proceeded to make an
utter ass out of himself by shooting his own man with his penile-looking
laser cannon on two different occasions after mistaking him for an autobot.
I'll point out that the henchman was the shark, who looks nothing like a
car. The shark was also SCREAMING and PLEADING for Megatron not to shoot
him the entire time. I guess robots don't need little things like sensors
anymore.
In the end, Skids manages to remember he's an autobot and saves the day instead
of winning the race. At the end though, he's still possessed, making the
entire episode even more pointless, which I didn't think was possible.
THE VOICES
I'm too tired at this point to diss the audio too much. I'll just mention
that I found Megatron and Optimus Prime's voices pretty bad. Maybe I just
miss the original. Additionally, the way all the characters feel the need
to announce their attacks and transformations verbally further points out
how derivative this whole mess is. It's bad. It's so bad... someone hold
me.
______________
And so, that's my rant. It's long, but maybe it DOES have at least a tiny
purpose. Have any of you seen the show? Is it as bad as I seem to think,
or did I catch it on a bad day, or what? Am I blinded by nostalgia? Was the
old show also this lame and I just don't remember? Some input would be
appreciated.
-DK
|
Average
Joe
Tiger
Posts: 71
(9/20/01 2:11:29 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Actually, you were pretty much dead on. I got up early to watch the show
on its Saturday morning debut a couple of weeks ago, very much excited to
see a version of Transformers that returned to its G1 roots: hand-drawn
animation, Optimus Prime and the gang, Autobots, Decepticons, everything.
What I got was Transformers: Robots In Disguise.
Unfortunately, the switch from the vehicular Decepticons to the animal-ish
Predacons rather irritated me. Instead of cars and trucks and airplanes and
hovercrafts and flying saucers and helicopters and whatnot duking it out,
it's now become some sort of "technology vs. nature" sort of thing. I just
can't deal with a frog trying to take on a car and expecting to win.
I still gave it a chance, despite that. I thought, "Well, it's not CGI, and
it's got Optimus Prime--changed a bit, but he's there--so it can't be all
that bad..."
...I was wrong. It was cheesy. It was like Digimon meets Gundam meets deranged
crack addict. They named their attacks--heck, they had attacks to be named
in the first place! I don't remember Optimus in G1 ever yelling,
"Lasergun-in-my-hand-attack!"
I'm going to have to watch my copy of Transformers: The Movie again just
to get the massacred new version out of my head. Heh. Old school Optimus
has "The Touch". Go kick some Megatron circuits, Optimus! |
MasterOdin1980
Tiger
Posts: 126
(9/20/01 2:26:21 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ooo-hoo-hoo! I wish I had that option. I own the movie, thank Odin, but my
VCR decided to go kaput. The new show is Evil I tell you, evil! *sigh* At
least I don't have to get up early on a staurday now. |
NeoKefka99
Lion
Posts: 64
(9/20/01 3:37:03 pm) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ouch man. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. From you description
alone, it sounds as if though that show is even gayer than Transformers:
Beast Machines and G.I. Joe Extreme combined. (and this is what they replaced
Big Guy And Rusty with?) Just remember that if you can keep one person from
ever watching that show, then it was worth it. |
glarryg
Tiger
Posts: 300
(9/22/01 2:25:35 pm) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Despite what NeoKefka just said, I had to watch the show. Being an avid TF
fan in my youth, I needed to see this for myself. This morning's episode
was, true to DK's analysis, a big honking let-down.
By far, the worst part was the story (I'd venture to say it was worse than
the unispired animation and lackluster voice work combined). Brief synopsis:
both the Autobots and Predacons discover that a 60-year-old UFO contains
Transformer "Protoforms," i.e. robots without an earthly vehicle/animal
mode. Megatron seizes the potential Autobots and takes them to a military
base, where his thugs scan various army vehicles (and a conveniently passing
space shuttle) and create Decepticons from the Protoforms using Megatron's
spark. The reason I feel the need to recount all of this is because the
Autobots stood and watched the whole process without even trying to stop
them. Afterwards, a battle ensues, consisting of the Decepticons
firing at the Autobots and the Autobots standing in place.
Luckily, the Decepticons managed to miss despite the fact that
the were only about twenty yards away from their enemies.
We also saw the origin of Scourge, a.k.a. Black Convoy, a.k.a. Evil Optimus
Prime. I think I'll give him the award for the Most Anti-Climactic Moment
In The Show, in which he professes his loyalty to Megatron after an ingratiating
pause. He also gets props for the Most Canned Lines In The Show, although
there was tough competition from, well, everybody else. I think I'll go back
in time to when I was ten, and ask my former self for some story ideas so
I can get a job writing this show.
Only one of the four Autobots had a real face, so unless he was talking,
you had no idea which one of them was spewing the emotionless "tough guy"
lines, because there was very little distinction between any two voices or
personalities (and didn't the old Tranformers' faceplates move in lieu of
a mouth?). The Predacon thugs left much to be desired (I realize it's not
in the nature of a thug to be intellectual, but can't they at least be of
average intelligence?), but I expected that much.
Well, I guess my rant is running out of steam now. If they had implied some
sort of ambiguity as to Scourge's ethical alliance (since he does have some
of Optimus Prime spark in him), I might have been tempted to watch another
episode. But, as it was, I have little compelling me to tune in again. The
only thing I can say in favor of this show is that I'm glad they chose not
to "re-invent" Bumblebee, because I'm sure they would have ruined him.
I think I enjoyed "The Great Saiyaman" story more than this show. |
EmperorSteele
Tiger
Posts: 72
(9/26/01 1:51:42 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Actually, the show WAS from japan: It was called (no joke this is a direct
translation) Transformers: Car Robots.
It was brought over here, made "kid friendly" and cut down from a 1-hour
show to a 1/2 hour show, all to fuel 80's nostalgia.
THAT'S why it sucked.
In a related story, a very bad G.I.JOE comic was just released. A hashed
out "return of Cobra" story with inferior art (that is in terms of what the
artist is trying to get "his style" to look like), and, it's just...
Y'know, maybe He-man and Transformers and GIJOE actually did suck in the
first place, but what did we know, we were kids?
I can't wait till 2015 when power-ranger nostalgia kicks in... UUUGGHHHHH
(that is if they stop reinventing that damn show and milking it to death
every other season...) |
Average
Joe
Tiger
Posts: 77
(9/26/01 2:00:55 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Y'know, I can't really say about He-Man and GI Joe, but I know for a definite
fact that Transformers did not suck. I've got the movie, and I still love
it. Transformers are good.
It was Voltron that was bad. I used to love that show, but when Cartoon Network
ran it in their Toonami linup a couple of years ago, I realized how much
it actually sucks. |
MasterOdin1980
Tiger
Posts: 139
(9/26/01 4:56:57 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
There is a God! I finally recieved my tax refund check. With it I was able
to finally buy a new VCR!!!!! Not only can I finally catch up on Dragon Ball
and DBZ(Their on while I'm at work) but now I can watch the Transformers
movie so that I can get those evil images of the new series out of my
mind!!!!
Now if I can only get him to lay waste to this new evil series and smite
those who brought it into being. |
Average
Joe
Tiger
Posts: 78
(9/26/01 5:55:58 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Well, look at it this way: without another series, how would there be more
toys? |
MasterOdin1980
Tiger
Posts: 140
(9/26/01 6:39:12 am) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Ahhhhhhh... I feel better now that I've watched the movie.
New toys? They look about as gay as the show! Optimus and Ultra Magnus combining
to join some super robot? That just ain't right. It wasn't that way in the
original, and it shouldn't be that way now.
If they had left the show more like the original, not only would they get
the kiddy audience, but they would gain back the nostalgic TF fans of the
olden days.
BTW, I looked up on eBaythe other day as to how much a mint G1 Optimus Prime
still in the box was. Let me put it to you like this: I don't even make enough
money in six months, gross, to be able to afford it. Yikes! What's even worse
is that a G1 Megatron was more! Double Yikes!! |
GrandLordMagus
Candy Cane Wielder
Posts: 165
(10/19/01 8:29:49 pm) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Yeah, I got up at 8 AM one morning (don't ask me why cos I don't even know)
and saw it was on. OK, can't hurt to check it out. Uh, wrong! It was a complete
and utter debauchery of one of my most beloved series. The animation, while
not terrible, definitely wasn't up to snuff, especially if you've seen the
other Japanese Transformers series that didn't make it to the States. And
it had way too much of the goofy flailing and sweat bead animations. There
should in fact be none in a Transformers cartoon. The voice acting was flat-out
pathetic! Like Resident Evil B-movie kinda voice acting. Pokémon has
higher standards than that! The robot design wasn't all that bad but then
again it wasn't anything stellar too. Megatron as something OTHER than a
gun? I mourn for this dynasty. And what about the palette swaps of old
characters, like Swindle and his crew (dammit I can't remeber their name)?
I realize that this is probably so they have a better excuse to re-release
the original figures, the only good thing to come out of this whole situation,
but c'mon. They coulda just brought back the old ones while still makin'
entirely new figs. Oh, and the story! Well for one, they travel through this
dimensional portal thing so they can get anywhere on the planet. What the
fuck?! It totally trivializes the whole "Transform and roll out!" bit. They're
supposed to get where they wanna go the real way, not some gateway thingie.
The Digimon-style attacks? Transformers don't have attacks, besides shootin'
a gun, and even if they did, they wouldn't call it out. "Omega Kick?" Puh-lease.
Ultra Magnus is gunnin' for Prime cos he thinks HE shoulda been chosen by
the Matrix as the Autobot leader. While I could go and say that such an instance
blows all continuity out of the water, I'll grant them the fact that this
is an entirely independent story. But check this. For one, most Autobots
should realize that while Prime isn't the best warrior, as Magnus is, he's
the best leader. Autbots aren't so wildly jealous that they'll kick the shit
outta their head honcho. And then, it gets resolved by the two of them, who
are "brothers" by the way, merging and working together to drive Megatron
away. And Magnus still wants Prime pushin' up cyber-daisies. Nothing got
resolved, which I shouldn't be surprised by considering the whole episode
didn't get off to much of a start. I know for a fact that the original series
wasn't lame and we were just too stupid to realize it. I've watched them
on tape and I still love 'em. And the movie still ranks near the top of my
list of all time faves. It's Transformers for the new generation, the ones
watchin' Pokémon and Digimon and whatnot. I guess bein' a huge fan
of the original series, I was expectin' something more along the lines of
the classic show. How disappointing.
I was hopin' for redemption after Beast Machines (debacle that I'll never
speak of again). I was dead wrong.
Matt |
NeoKefka99
Master of Metal
Posts: 72
(10/21/01 5:40:27 pm) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
Morbid curiousity got the better of me and I actually watched an episode
of this travesty. Good lord, for nearly thirty minutes, I looked on in horror
as every childhood memory of Transformers was violently disembowled. I apologize
if I sound totally insane in this post, because I think this show finished
off the part of my brain that was already badly damaged by reading the lemon
that Eternal Fire wrote.
The animation was nothing to write home about, the fights looked like they
were pulled out of Digimon, and the character designs, Oh Good God, the character
designs, they freaking HURT to look at.
Megatron is undoubtedly the worst offender. That color scheme of his alone
makes my eyes bleed. And no, DK, you're wrong, The Megaman X design team
could never come up with a Maverick that looked as bad as Megatron looks
in this.
After him is Ultra Magnus, who used to look awesome. I repeat "used to".
Now he's a lame looking robot with ten foot long arms and legs and a torso
that by my estimate is about six inches long and twenty feet wide.
Third place in this "gayest character design" contest is Omega Prime, the
Digimon esque combination of Optimus and Magnus. Omega Prime basically looks
like somebody took Optimus's head, changed the color scheme, and attached
it to a Tetris block.
As for the rest of the Autobots, they looked more like car wrecks then freakin'
robots. One actually has the front of a car hanging off his arm, for God's
sake.
As far as the voice acting, I think they raided Capcom's voice acting studio,
found the worst actors from Megaman X4 and Resident Evil and then gave them
a list of the most cliche Hero / Villian lines in history and told them to
wing it. At one point in the episode, Ultra Magnus and Optimus Prime actually
give a "We will win because we fight for good, and have faith in the light"
style speech. Worst of all, Ultra Magnus actually had a
southern accent which
disappears / reappears at random.
Oh and of course, the characters with the most annoying voices never shut
up. If you look in the "Guide To Dubbing An Anime Into English (And Therebye
Ripping The Very Soul Out Of It)", this is required, along with "a young
girl must have a shrill voice and scream a lot" and "there must only be a
one in million chance of somebody actually saying a believable line of
dialogue."
As far as the episode I saw goes, basically Scourge is basically trying to
overthrow Megatron. Now the henchmen trying to overthrow his boss and take
control wouldn't be a bad plotline, except IT's BEEN DONE IN EVERY TRANSFORMERS
SERIES SINCE THE ORIGINAL! How bout we do something new and have the bad
guys all get along?
Knowing that Ultra Magnus has a rivalry with Prime, Scourge meets up with
Magnus and tries to convince him to help him overthrow both Megatron and
Prime. Two other Autobots whose names I forget, which is probably a good
thing, have been following Magnus and decide to jump in and attack Scourge.
The other Decepticons form into one big Decepticon called Ruination and start
beating the crap out of the other Autobots. Magnus shows what a hero he is
by telling the other autobots to keep out of his business and flies off.
After a couple minutes of Digimon inspired battles (read: lame fights where
characters stand around, shout attacks, lather rinse repeat), The Autobots
(another one joins up at this point) decide to power up thanks to a "charge
that Magnus had given them" (Yes , I took that out of context too.) and what
follows is something that will make Akira Toriyama sue the balls off the
creators of this show.
The Transformers stand there, begin to glow with a strange light, make a
lot of really bad sounding grunts, and change colors and are now much much
stronger.
Of course, this prove to be practically useless, because it wears off after
they only get TWO punches in on Ruination and they are now as one put it
"weak as kittens". (I'm not making that up.) I'd also like to point out that
Scourge is standing around doing absolutely jackshit while this takes place.
More canned lines follow and Ruination thrashes the hell out of the autobots,
putting them out of the fight.
Optimus shows up and Scourge finally decides to fights. His first attack
is draw a sword, shouts "SWORD OF FURY" and run at Optimus who has a LASER
GUN pointed at him! Never have I seen a battle tactic of such brilliance
since one of the straight to video Universal Soldier sequels, where the unarmed
villian decides the best way to defeat the heavily armed hero is to run at
him with his arms flailing.
Optimus and Scourge fight for about five seconds when the Predacons show
up. However, Megatron is the only one that actually decides to step into
the fray while the other ones remain hidden behind a collection of boulders
and make "funny" comments on the entire battle. And god, their voices are
irritating. Of course, the shark decides to attack Optimus at one point,
using the foolproof Universal Solider tactic described above. Imagine my
surprise then when Optimus makes the shark his bitch in one move.
Finally, Megatron has enough of this and turns into a really gay looking
dragon, and he, Scourge, and the other decepticons start attacking Optimus.
After taking a few nasty hits (actually you never SEE him get directly hit,
the shots seem to be hitting the ground underneath him), Scourge pulls out
a plasma cannon and shoots Optimus with it, sending him flying to a rock.
*Insert Paul Nathans joke here* Of course, any viewer who still has two brain
cells functioning will wonder why the fuck Scourge didn't use the plasma
canon in the first place.
BTW: when this happens the Predacons start dancing....you heard me, they
start DANCING. Frankly,
I'm surprised my brain didn't shut down from seeing something that fucked
up.
But, all is not lost, for Ultra Magnus shows up, him and Prime spout off
the afforementioned Good guys always win speech, and then they start glowing
and with no explanation turn into Omega Prime, who sends the Predacon's packing
by summoning a laser cannon out of thin air, shooting them with it, making
it disappear again, and then repeating the process with a gatling gun. Naturally,
they actually call out the names of these weapons. I'd also like to mention
that the Predacons and Decepticons just stood there and took the damage.
After this brief attack, Megatron turns into a gay looking bat (at least
he's consistent) and flies off, the Predacons comically running after him.
Scourge spouts cliche villian line #434923 ("WE WILL MEET AGAIN!" or a variation
thereof) and runs off towards the horizon, leaving a Looney tunes esque dust
trail in his wake.
More cliche lines follow as Optimus asks Magnus to rejoin the team. He doesn't,
leaves, and one of the Autobots gives a speech about how Magnus will find
himself and rejoin the team. The credits roll and I break down crying.
About the only good thing I could say about it is that the iritating kids
who look like they just walked off of Digimon only had one line in the whole
Episode. And yes, it was stupid. "I will download it to your Cybermap!" says
the freaky looking girl in a freaky looking hat. Frankly, I think she was
hitting on the Autobot. |
glarryg
Mana Maniac
Posts: 360
(10/21/01 9:13:27 pm) |
Re: Transformers, it
Makes Me Want to Cry.
This thread reminds me of how Jerm takes depressingly horrible fanfic stories
and tears them to shreds. It's fun to read, if you ignore the fact that a
legendary institution from our youth has had a Bowie knife shoved up its
crack and twisted. |
DK
DIRTY GAY BOY!!!
Posts: 124
(10/22/01 4:50:07 pm) |
Transformers War Journal,
Day 34: A Report from the Field
Been here a week now, waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute
I stay in this room, I get weaker, and every minute Charlie
Transformers squats in the bush, he it gets
stronger.
Today's Episode - "The Fish Test"
Open on the Predacon base, where everyone's favorite gay sharkbot is surfing
the internet:
Gay Magenta Frog: "What are you doing, Skybite? You've been on the computer
all day."
Gay Shark (Skybite): "I'm taking the online Fish Personality Test. It says
I'm..... a JELLYFISH??"
Yes, children, not only do you and I waste our valuable time nursing The
Spark.com's survey wang, apparently so do evil robots devoted to overthrowing
the planet. It's a good thing for us that "must be absolutely fucking retarded"
is a requirement for membership in the Predacons.
As if to drive this point home, the next scene shows Scourge in Megatron's
throne room, where he informs his leader that he has a plan for taking over
the planet and accquiring Energon. Now, Megatron, being the clever, malevolent,
scheming robot that he is, wisely chooses to cut off his henchman's explanation
with a terse: "HURRY UP AND DO IT INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT!" I'll point
out that he says this before the plan can even be mentoned. What if Scourge
had said, "I've got a great plan for taking over the planet- let's all get
together in a pit of flame and have oil lubricated robotsex, screaming in
intermingled joy and pain as our circuits are burned into cinders." If that
had been Scourge's plan, Megatron would not only have been caught unaware
but also would have given his blessing. HIS BLESSING.
Oh, by the way, Skybite is also assigned to work under Scourge and gets dissed
bigtime when he's told to stay back at the base. Why no one ever got the
idea that a whiny, wussy, annoying gay shark robot is no help at all before
this, I don't know, but Skybite is shocked to say the least and he rounds
up his Predacon love- buddies to help him foil Scourge's plan. Yes,
that's right, Skybite. Forget those petty goals like winning your war. Go
you. Go you.
Scourge and his Decepticons show up at a power plant to steal the energy,
when suddenly laser blasts appear, flying well clear of the mark. It turns
out that the attackers are *GASP* Skybite and company, wearing really lame
autobot disguises and trying to affect Southern Accents. A surreal moment
ensues when MagentaFrog informs Skybite that the autobot he's impersonating
"isn't that flamboyant" and does a little limpwristed gay gesture. Honest.
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Meanwhile, back at Autobot HQ, this mayhem goes unnoticed as Sideburn is
occupied with the computer taking - wait for it.... wait for it... -
THE FISH TEST! Those of you who are Sideburn fans will likely feel a
damp spot in your pants at this revelation, but Sideburn has the personality
of a Bonito! Anyway, the funny dressed hologram girl picks up the
distress at the power station and sends the autobots out to investigate.
As per the norm, a battle ensues that consists of lots of named attacks,
still shots with psychadelic backgrounds, and standing completely still.
For no reason I can think of, the Decepticons decide to flee.
Scourge continues his plan to steal energy from Power Plants, so Skybite
decides to tell the Autobots about it. He first appears to none other than
that Bonito-acting mofo Sideburn, who for some unfathomable reason is chasing
top speed after a red sports car and crowing pick-up lines to it. Newsflash,
Sideburn, you may LOOK like a car, but you're really a robot. Cars don't
think. They just lie there lifelessly while you fuck them in the tailpipe.
Does your fetish with them make you the Transformers equivalent of a
necrophiliac? I think it does. I think it DOES.
Anyway, while the Shark tries to explain that he comes in peace, Sideburn
proceeds to heroically beat the holy hell out of his passive opponent,
culminating with him screaming "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR COMING BETWEEN ME
AND A RED SPORTS CAR" as he blasts Skybite into the stratosphere. Oh, should
I mention three of Skybite's friends HID BEHIND SOME BUSHES AND WATCHED WHILE
THIS ALL TOOK PLACE?
Cut to a woman driving an SUV through a canyon. The Predacons appear, the
woman gets out and wanders away, and the car transforms into X-BRAWN (OH
MY GO~OD). What the woman was doing in there, I don't know. Where she went,
I don't know either. Maybe it was some sort of kinky sex thing. Anyway, as
Skybite hefts and waves a white flag and once more tries to explain, Sideburn
appears, screaming and shooting him again. What follows has to be the most
insane sequence ever, as two heavily armed groups of mortal enemies stand
facing each other and joking about Jellyfish as Sideburn asks Skybite to
"prove he's the real thing" by transforming into a shark and performing tricks.
I swear, I'm not making this up. He headstands. He makes a "C". HE BALANCES
A FUCKING BALL ON HIS NOSE AND CLAPS LIKE A SEAL.
Somehow, though, this convinces the Autobots that Scourge is planning an
attack, so they go to the power plant. Turns out, he was attacking a different
one, making the seal thing totally pointless. Scourge and his homies are
rampaging around tearing shit up when three lame-ass train Autobots appear,
form one really big Autobot, and draw a huge laser gun. Scourge is ready,
though, using that awesome technique Kef pointed out. "SWORD OF FURY!!!!"
he bellows, racing directly at a robot about ten times his size, armed with
a gun bigger than he is. Is it anyone's surprise he gets made a bitch shortly
afterward? His troops apparently forget they can fight and everyone
retreats.
Fade in on Skybite in shark form, sitting on a rocky cliff watching a sunset.
He bemoans his identity as a jellyfish and flails his fins about, sweatdropping
and eyepopping dramatically before racing off to fight one last battle to
"prove himself." Naturally, of course, he fucks it up, ruining a stealth
mission Megatron and the rest had planned and leading to the last fight of
the episode (God be Merciful).
Insert a few quick speed shots of Transformers standing in place and firing.
Optimus draws some water gun from his back and encases Megatron in ice. Megatron
must not have minded SINCE HE DIDN'T EVEN MOVE. THen, after suffering a tire
smash to the face which breaks him free, the Megster apparently decides that
being a total fucking pussy is the better part of valor and flies away without
firing a shot. So do the rest of his troops. Hooray for anticlimaxes.
Maybe I shouldn't watch this any more. Just seeing the episode made me want
to cry, and recounting it was worse. But I had to, don't you see? I had to
tell you all what I saw. I had to recount.... the horror.
I watched a snail Transformers crawl along the edge of
a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering,
along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving. |
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