Tomorrow
By Tarlia
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
The naked moonlight enters through the window, casting a pale, almost sickly shine across your face. I look up. I never got around to hang up those curtains, did I? Even if I had plenty of time to do so. You were always so busy. The room is plain - the walls, the sheets on the bed; everything is white and sterile. The manufactured feeling it gives disgusts me. It always did, but I never told you. There were many things I didn’t tell you. Didn’t want to bother you, didn’t want to annoy you. You always had so little time.
I run my hand through your hair. Soft, silky, dark brown locks hang into your face. That handsome, perfect face of yours that I have grown to love so much, its only flaw being the scar that runs between your eyes, from right to left, constantly reminding me of who you are. What you are. Oh, how I wish things were different. How I wish I could erase certain things from your past and take you in my hands, to shield you and protect you from all the pain and suffering, all the destruction and loneliness that you went through every day. That you still are experiencing every single day.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
It is not in my power, though, nor is it my right to change who you are. No matter what, I do love you for the person you have become, and not for the person you might have been. I remember that first time we met. You were so serious. So dreadfully solemn, but God, so beautiful. That confused, sweet look in your eyes when we danced. Those eyes that remained so cold and stone hard through everything, they were soft then. Inside the lurking lion was a little boy, I slowly came to realize that. A little, wounded boy, that I took under my wing. No, that’s not right. How many times did you not save me from death? How many times weren’t you the strong one, while I covered beneath you like the frightened puppy I am? That was always my biggest flaw. I couldn’t do anything alone. You did everything alone.
No one could frustrate me as much as you could – and still can. No one can make me so angry, or upset, or hurt me like you do. Nor can anyone make me devote my life to them so completely. I have surrendered to you. We promised. We promised we would always be together, and I am as much part of you as you are part of me. The world can come to an end around us, but we will always be together. Forever.
Why did they have to ruin that?
What is it in me that refuses to believe?
This isn’t easier than the real thing
The perfection has been destroyed. Thrown to the ground and pressed into the dirt, and the pain twists my heart as if a knife had been stabbed into it. Yet I deny it. Was it ever perfect, anyway? It was, in the beginning, or I liked to think it was. We were one, then, we clung to each other every hour of the day and we were allowed to. Newborn love allowed to grow as the whole world let out a breath of relief. The battle was over. For that blissful moment, I forgot about my new fate as a Sorceress. It didn’t matter then. You were my knight, and you would protect me from the gawking citizens in the various towns and cities. You; you and our friends would make me feel like a whole person instead of a mere creature of power. I never desired being a Sorceress, I only wanted to be a human.
My love
You know that you’re my best friend
You know I’d do anything for you
I came to know my powers with time. Edea was always of great help. She knew the burden on my shoulders, yet she did her very best to help me carry it. For those months, I was happy. Blissfully unaware of what the future would bring, unaware of what Garden was except a wonderful, beautiful place where our love could blossom. Oh, but no power – not even mine, can help you now. I keep trying to imagine the inevitable, but I can’t. Somehow, I think this is even more painful. Knowing what will happen, but unable to comprehend. It seems so far away. It seems so distant and alien. I want to help so badly, I want to use my strength for what I want more than anything in the world. So why can’t I stop it?
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Slowly, slowly, hour by hour, we are slipping apart. I can feel it. The pain, the knife that tears at my heart is threatening to rip it out at any time, leaving me on the ground bleeding. My fingers slip down to your cheek, and across your lips. I bend over, tasting them with my own, inhaling your scent, feeling your breath. You are alive. I dare not glance at the bandages that cover your body, dare not smell the blood and death that is invisible in the darkness, yet I know it is there. I knew there was a risk. I knew it could happen, and you knew it as well. Only you could accept it. I can’t.
Am I in heaven here or am I…
At the crossroads I am standing
They try to comfort me, they say they understand how I feel. But their words are empty. They don’t know – they can’t know what it’s like to stay by your side, for hours and hours, day and night, watching the life slowly leave you, sucked out, watching your skin turn as pale as the moonlight. Death is ripping us apart, darling, leaving us in separate worlds. Death is breaking our promise. I open my eyes and I see Garden for what it truly is. The seeds here do not grow into flowers – they wither and die before they can blossom, while fighting against all the terrors of the world. Children, whose lives are being dedicated to death.
When you leave, will I be able to stay? Where will I go? Where can I go?
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face
There is nothing I can do but pray, and hope, and wish that you will stay with me through another day, that you will open your eyes tomorrow morning when the moonlight is gone and the sun shines through the empty window of our room. Our room, it looks like a prison. Garden is a prison where they hold you captured, until you can do no more good for them and they finally let you slip away. But you are blind to these facts. This is the only life you know. How much didn’t it confuse you when you realized your kind is trained to fight my kind? None of us ever asked for this, but it was forced upon both of us. You because you were an orphan, me because I was dragged into it through a childish attempt at liberating a town that was held captive by my own father.
For God’s sake, you are barely twenty years old! There are so many more things to do, so much more to see. They stole this from you. The doctors can’t do anything, magic can’t do anything, I can’t do anything, but stay with you till the very end.
I want to see you smile. I want to feel your body against mine, just one more time. That smile of yours that light up my world more than the sun or the stars could ever do. Inside the soldier you were trained to be, there is so much wonder, so much life. I wanted to see you dressed in a different black than what you wear every day, look into my eyes and smile as you say ‘I do’. I wanted to see you smile and see tears of joy in your eyes as you looked upon our first child. None of those things will be real now.
Oh God If you’re out there won’t you hear me?
I know we’ve never talked before
Oh God, the man I love is leaving
Won’t you take him when he comes to your door
Save him, someone, anyone. I’m going crazy. Life itself is being torn out of me, my reason for existence is fading. You became my world, you became my purpose, and nothing else matters to me anymore. They said you were wounded under honorable circumstances. They could expect nothing less from you. Saving a child inside a burning building, only to be captured outside and attacked by ten times your own force. You fought to the bitter end, but they were too many. They killed the child and left you to die slowly and painfully. As if you haven’t experienced enough pain. What honor is there in death?
Love, I want to give you my life for yours, but I know it can’t be done. Even so, you said you could not live without me. We belong together. Oh, love, why didn’t you leave before it was too late? As you spent more and more time on these countless missions, following Cid’s every tiny little order and wink without ever questioning, the feeling of dread started to appear in me. I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn’t listen. Would never listen. Yet I’m not bitter, not towards you. I want to hate you for leaving me, want to yell, scream, cry, but I can’t. It’s a fruitless battle. It won’t do any good, not even to myself. A part of me is dying. The strong warrior is fading.
The lion is nothing but a weak cub now.
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing
I love you so much, Squall. Don’t leave me here. Without your guidance, I don’t know in which direction I should go.
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you’ll be strong tomorrow
And we’ll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face…
Suddenly, you gasp, you cough, your breath becomes ragged and heavy. The machine that is connected to you starts making disturbing noises, the green line on the screen jumps up and down like a rubber ball. I stare. I wait. But it just continues. I hear an alarm go off, I hear people start to run down the halls, I feel the Garden waking up around me, alert and afraid because they think their strong Commander might die. I don’t fear anymore, though. As I swiftly steal one last kiss from you, your blue, cool eyes meet my brown, warm ones for one last time. You are in great pain, you are terrified, you don’t want to die.
I leap off the bed, exiting the room seconds before the healthcare team arrives. I hear excited and worried voices, I hear them shout as they try in vain to make your heart beat again. The sounds become lost to me as I leave the dormitory area, unnoticed.
The wind ruffles my black, shoulder length hair, the strands whipping around my ears wildly. I shiver. It’s cold outside tonight, but I don’t care. As I move closer, and closer to the balcony’s edge, the blue cape of my clothes flapping behind me, a shooting star crosses the sky above me. I lift my head, I look up. I smile. I’m not frightened anymore. I don’t fear the pain.
The chilly, deadly water below Garden looks inviting. It was here we first became one. Your smiling face lit up the dark night sky and we kissed for the first time. Tonight, I am here alone. Though only for a short time.
My love, just wait a little bit. Soon, we will be one again. Tomorrow won’t come.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
…
~ Tarlia, November 2000. The lyrics to the song ‘Hold on’ are © Sarah McLachlan, and the Final Fantasy VIII characters are © Squaresoft.