"In the not too distant future,
Way down in Deep 13,
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank,
Were hatching an evil scheme.
"They hired a temp by the name of Mike.
Just a regular Joe they didn't like.
Their experiment needed a good test case,
So they conked him on the noggin'
And they shot him into space!"
Mike: Let... me... goooo!!
Dr. F: We'll send him cheesy stories!
TV's Frank: The worst, we can find!
Both: La! La! La!
"He'll have to sit and read them all,
While we monitor his mind!
"La! La! La!
"Now keep in mind,
Mike can't control,
When the stories begin or end.
"La! La! La!
He'll try to keep,
His sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!
"Robot Roll Call!
Cambot!
Gypsey!
Tom Servo!
Croooooow!
"If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts...
"La! La! La!
"Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a fic,
I should really just relax."
For Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000!
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(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, SoL symbol)
(As the Satellite of Love bridge comes into view, we can see Tom Servo and Crow staring intently at a fuzzy green mound. Gypsey is standing behind them with a watering can. Mike walks onto the bridge.)
Mike: Hey, what're you guys doing?
Crow: Oh hi Mike. Roughly 50% of the robots on the ship decided that they wanted to form their own Garden, like in Final Fantasy 8.
Mike: 50%? So that would be you and Tom.
Tom: Actually, I wanted a floating island. Cambot wanted the Garden.
Mike: And what did you want Gyps?
Gypsey: I wanted Tom to clean his room, for once.
Tom: A rather unpopular suggestion, I must say.
Mike: Well anyway, a Garden is a worthy goal, I guess. A place to train others, and show them your ideals...
Crow: Actually, we wanted a really cool looking vehicle that also goes infuriatingly slow to drive around.
Tom: Boeing proved to be most unaccomodating, so instead we ordered this:
Crow: (Points at the fuzzy mound, and says in a radio announcer type voice) The Chia Garden!!
All: Wow!!
(They all stare at the mound in silence for 30 seconds.)
Mike: It really doesn't do much, does it?
Tom: Hence my desire for a floating island.
(They stare in silence for another 30 seconds. Crow slowly reaches up, and the Chia Garden slides off the edge of the counter, falls to the floor, and breaks into several pieces.)
Crow: Oops.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: My hand slipped. Really. (The red light begins to flash.)
Mike: Well, Liz and Ard are calling. (Hits the light.)
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(The incredibly smug grin of Dr. Forrester fills the camera. The shot widens to reveal Frank, grinning like an idiot, holding up a piece of paper.)
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mike. Since you managed to burn the story last time, I've taken the liberty of laminating today's story... (Frank proudly holds up the glimmering text.) ..with asbestos.
Frank: Uh, Clay? Isn't asbestos-
Dr. Forrester: Never mind that now. Anyway Nelstone, it's time for the invention exchange. What do you have for us this week?
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Mike: Well, my invention this week is based on that premise that, in their quest to be original, all of today's RPGs feel the need to use completely different game mechanics. Basically, you just press the button (He gestures to a red button on a blue box.), and it will generate a totally original system for you. Let's see what I get (He presses the button, and a slip of white paper comes out. Mike scans it for a second.). Well, in my RPG, whatever it may be, the characters gain their power from wearing pies on their heads. Starting pies include apple and cherry, while more powerful pies include key lime and anything from Marie Callender's. Tom, give it a shot. (Servo presses the button, then reads the slip.)
Tom: Well, the powers in my RPG depend on what colors the characters paint their toenails. Beginning powers are based on common colors like pink, while more advanced skills come from kiwi green with stickers. Crow? (Now Crow presses the button.)
Crow: Well, it appears the characters in my RPG gain more power by covering more windows on their houses with tin foil.
Mike: To keep the light out?
Crow: No! To keep them clean! But it doesn't work!
Mike: Uh huh... Gypsey, why don't you go? (Gypsey presses the button, then grabs the paper with her mouth, then stands still as she realizes she can't read it.)
Crow: Uh, Gyps? You need me to...?
Gypsey: Yeah. (As Gypsey speaks, the paper falls out of her mouth. Crow grabs it, and holds it up for her to read.) The powers in my RPG are based on mismatched foods and condiments.
Tom: Mismatched foods?
Gypsey: Yeah. The characters can gain more power by putting peanut butter on steak, or mustard on brownies.
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Dr. Forrester: Well, our invention this week isn't as weird as yours.
Frank: But it is evil!
Dr. Forrester: That was my line, you idiot! (Dr. Forrester proceeds to chase Frank around the room, until Frank collides with a table full of beakers, and is engulfed in an explosion. Dr. Forrester nervously glances backward, and comes back toward the camera.) Well, Frank's dead again. I'll have to take care of that later. Anyway, my invention this week came about when I realized that the inventors of Pokemon-
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Tom: Ooooooh no.
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Dr. Forrester: are some pretty rich bastards by now. But the problem is, the children's toy market is so fickle. Frank, (Dr. Forrester gestures to Frank, who has mysteriously reappeared right beside him, looking none the worse for wear.) show them what we've got. (Frank holds up a covered box, and yanks the covering off of it.) Mike, allow me to introduce the Teenage Mutant Power Ninja Ranger Tamagotchimon. They're the fusion of every major kids' fad from the last ten years. (Frank holds up a yellow rat-looking creature dressed in a black karate gi and a red helmet.)
Frank: This is Red Pikaraphaelmon. Just look how cute it is! Don't you want to buy them all?
Dr. Forrester: Due to this fusion, there are approximately 20 different versions of every single figure, bringing us to a grand total of 3,020 figures to buy. Have fun!
.
Mike: Come on, do you really think even kids are going to be stupid enough to fall for... (Mike trails off as Cambot pans back to reveal Crow talking on the phone. Hundreds of action figures are spread out around him.)
Crow: Quiet Mike! I'm negotiating a deal to get the rare Green Charileonardomon! (Crow resumes speaking with the person on the phone.) Uh huh. No. Yeah. No, that's right. Well did you ask Bertha? She didn't? Okay, your check is in the mail. (Crow hangs up.) Now Mike, what were you saying?
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Dr. Forrester: Anyway Mike, your story this week is one giant ripoff of "A Shadow of Evil" known as "The Lost Force." Enjoy.
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(Back on the Satellite of Love, all the lights begin to flash, and the bridge vibrates.)
Crow: No, really Mike, I'm interested in what you were saying.
Mike: No.
Crow: Look, I'm sorry I told you to be quiet, but-
Mike: No.
Crow: But-
Mike: No.
Tom: Come on, you boobs! We've got Story Sign!
(SoL symbol, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Mike and Crow walk into the theater. Mike sets Tom in his seat, then he and Crow sit down, looking up at the screen.)
A lone stranger stood atop a high mountain during a terrible storm. He could feel frightful waves of magical energy coming from somewhere: past, present, future?
Crow: No.
He didn’t know, but he planned to find out. He pulled a staff, encrusted with a crystal on the tip,
Mike: Guys, I've got a bad feeling about this...
out from under his belt and shouted a spell out into the wind. The storm became even more terrible, and bolts of lighting flew from the staff.
All: Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!
Then he stared into the crystal, waiting for the keeper of the strong magical energy to appear. After a few moments, he looked away in disgust.
Crow: (Lone stranger voice) Richard Simmons!!
Failed again. He needed more energy, only more energy would show him what he wanted to know.
Tom: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
I must find more energy, he thought, I must find the ultimate energy source. He bowed his head. He would succeed. He would find the keeper of this energy, and claim it for his own.
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